| = . | corina dragomir [28.Jul.05 09:05] |
| there are just a few points to consider before rolling up my sleeves and start digging into the text. what seems to be lacking here is actually a pre-writing concept according to which the final draft would definitely bear a mise-en-scence repertoire of message interwearving criteria underlied by word choice and diction. the gauche input and more specifically, the one i'm pointing to as derogatory and inarticulate, it has yielded a not very inspired poem. getting deeper, I can sense you are a man with a gift for creative insight but the creative use of language (english, here) merely serves to the algorithm&intentionality of your text. death in dissection (forced references): word associations: "salty knife", "pale fist". then moving further, "May be I`ll water/at your source" or "Maybe I'll water/your source ... to heal myself from your wounds" or smth? [witchcraft-healing wounds?:)]; v7 " to make and odd choice" or what you were trying to say was "to make an odd choice" ? . all in all, there's a good beginning, unfortunately, not well-sustained by its middle and final part. | |
| = catharsis | stanca potra [29.Jul.05 00:43] |
Your poem is powerful, and I can feel the pain and the suffering when I read it. And still there is something good in the feeling that makes you “briefly agonize at your very sight”: it purifies your soul (“being healed from your wound”), and it inspires you to write….Catharsis is the best muse. | |
| = * Corina | Edilberto González Trejos [29.Jul.05 01:46] |
| Dear Corina, This brief text called was hard, indeed, because I originally saw the images and put them into words in Spanish. Then I re-wrote it (not actually translated) in English. Your input is positive and as I have pointed out in other texts, it challenges me to go beyond: 1. "Water at your sight". When I wrote this I had the images of the cattle watering at a river, drinking from it, quenching their thirst. I was raised as a cattle breeder myself so this figure is quite familiar to me. 2. The poem is quite reflective, so the idea rules over the words and many times makes the weaken and lose protagonic pressence. That is material for a Class on Creative Writing, for a "Storm of Ideas". 3. "To make an odd choice". Do you think that it´s better to put it as a question? Well, I have to think about it... But it gives the text a twist... Good feedback, indeed. What I meant, it´s that I could make the least expected or probable or sensible choice. 4. And I agree with you in this, please let me know if I got you wrong: This poem is like Jazz, made "in situ", not too elaborated. I had an idea, it didn´t let me be and I put it down into words... There is fabric for many-a-dress in here ;o) Keep in touch SONGO | |
| = . | corina dragomir [29.Jul.05 08:44] |
| >. 1. making particular reference to "and" that actually joins two similar ideas together, what needs clarifying is exactly the the notion of a selectional dependency between a set of verbs and a set of articles in an induced parsed corpora. As I came across its use in the 7th verse, I'd be inclined to view your choice as inappropriate according to this part of speech functionality: e.g. "He lives in Victoria, and he studies at UVic.", while what's met there should compulsorily be shown by the indefinite article "an" - "to make an odd choice" (the absence of a verb after "and" as in the textual display); this cannot be considered an ellipsis, therefore i urge you to make change. the sooner you're applying this the better. the second possible change, in strict dependence with the auctorial flights of imagination could drag the significance to a completely new perspective. e.g. "to make and add choice". the question mark is up to you as well. 2. "water at your source" - the act of reversing (transposition)- human disposal of nature and its inherent impact on MAN. thus, it makes me think of the early (Pre-Socratic) greek philosophy was focused upon nature or "nature-centered." your explanation imbues the text with a multitude of interpretations of which i admit didn't think from the very first reading. thanks. | |
| = songo visually disabled | Edilberto González Trejos [29.Jul.05 16:01] |
| Ah!!! Of course... "and" was a typo It should have been "an" from the start. May be I´m kind of visually disabled at the young age of 33. Sorry for not having seen it before. All the best to you Corina, SONGO | |
| = Untying the knots - Stanca | Edilberto González Trejos [30.Jul.05 19:48] |
| Dear Stanca, Suffering indeed and you got the whole point. Catharsis "touché"! I try to be coherent and thorough in my texts. Therefore, I try to untie the knots at the end. Not 100% succesful at it, but I "keep on keeping on". Btw you write well! SONGO | |