| = ... | Laurenţiu Ion [01.Jul.09 23:24] |
| this text is like an exquisite mirror, image’s canoe seems the perfect vehicle by which to journey in fact, prose isn't just a mixed bag of images the readers must understand if they had been with you there I think you have the gift of feeling and observation that helps you producing good screenplays keep up the good work! | |
| = Excellent | Cãtãrãu Alina - Andreea [19.Jun.10 21:31] |
| I've read this text and it's amazing the way who you've assembled. At first, I had the impression that the main character was in an asylum and that he had hallucinations because of his amnesia, but in the end I've began understanding all the symbols and the hidden meaning of this story. It was very interesting and I'm sure I'll read more of your works! Cheers from Alina | |
| = Thanks | Mihai Nedelcu [20.Jun.10 10:41] |
| I'm glad you enjoyed it. Mihai | |
| = Great story | James A Williams [12.Jan.12 04:30] |
| This is a great thought provoking piece. It draws one in constantly trying to read the clues you give. I do have one small criticism, and that is you change tenses in some scenes from present to past. Easily fixable. | |
| = Saludos | James A Williams [17.Jan.12 17:29] |
| Hi Mihai, I'm a little frustrated as I did this once already but the site went down 'temporarily,' and I lost everything I wrote you. Sigh. I begin again. Regarding your request on Facebook, I shall expound on my critique for you. I choose to do it on agonia, for I have noticed that for the vast majority of those who write in English, it is their second language. Having said that, most (including yourself,) have an excellent grasp of the language, and in fact, it would put many whose mother tongue is English to shame. You begin the story in the present tense (powerful.) In the fifth paragraph (scene,) you change from the present to the past tense in the middle. A few examples and corrections if I may. You write: He turned to me and his smile faded away. The tears in his eye impaled me and I felt crumbling. It should read: He turns to me and his smile fades away. The tears in his eye impale me and I feel crumbling. Again, (in the same scene which I emphasize that you began in the present tense): I didn’t know how to comfort him and collapsed in frustration… Should be: I don't know how to comfort him and collapse in frustration… One more example should be enough, though there are a few more places you strayed. And then I’ve touched my face. Should read: And then I touch my face. As writers we often break the rules. We use incomplete sentences, do not capitalize according to the rules of grammar, even use pure capitals to 'scream.' All these we do on purpose and for effect. But what we never do is mix tenses in a scene. This I know is the rule in both English and Spanish, so imagine the same applies in most other languages. This is a powerful story and I hope you will take the time to clean it up. It doesn't need much work, and thanks for posting it. Saludos James | |
| = Thank you | Mihai Nedelcu [17.Jan.12 18:55] |
| Jim, this is by far the most comprehensive critic I've had on this piece. I will correct it and keep your advises in mind for the future. Thank you | |
| = you are welcome | James A Williams [18.Jan.12 03:07] |
| You are very welcome and I am humbled to have been of some small help. Saludos, James | |
| = PS | James A Williams [18.Jan.12 03:50] |
| PS critic should be critique. :) Jim | |