| = You're doing well, you just need more practice and guidance. | James A Williams [09.Jan.12 10:36] |
| Your English is quite good for a second language and you clearly have a good grasp of English grammar. One of the issues is formatting. The poems and songs were fine but the other text and dialogue needed to be more clearly defined. For example each time you change who speaks or POV you need to start a new paragraph. Some would say to leave a space between paragraphs. For example: This is how I would have formatted the following bit of your text. After the song she said: “Cristina. I want to help you make the world a better place. When I heard it I went to her. She told me: ”Come with me to make the world a better place.” “What will we do?” I asked her. “We’ll go to Monroe Carell Jr. Children’s Hospital at Vanderbilt. We’ll also spend some time with the kids, chatting and posing for pictures.” “That’s a good idea”. ”We’ll go to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital in the afternoon”. When we were with the children I told her: ”I love your new song!” ”Really? … I made it for you” she said. Another thing that is relatively easy to fix, is the use of unnecessary words. They often take away from a story as opposed to making it clearer and/or more interesting. And remember to ALWAYS stay with the same verb tense, and try to make things clearer with every draft. Another example of how I would deal with a short bit of your text. When I saw her I felt like I’m the happiest girl in this world. When she asked me what I want to do I was surprised… ”I always wanted to help others.” I told her. She smiled and she told me: ”You may be sure that we’ll help others .Do you want to help others because you want to make the world a better place or you want to impress me?” ”I don’t want to impress you. My dream was to see you but along the way I saw many poor children. I now have a new goal and my dream has changed.” I explained. She smiled and walked to the window. ”Do you see that cloud. It’s as far away as your dream. You say you want to help others but you’re too young to do anything." I was disappointed. I never thought that my idol would think that I was too young to be able to reach my goal.” I ran outside with a piece of paper and a pen. This is just a quick edit and I hope in helps you to continue to improve your writing skills. Writing is about clarity. Remember, readers do not know what's going on in your head unless you tell them. | |