| = Comana | James A Williams [21.Jan.12 22:10] |
| This is a wonderful retrospective and gives me some great ideas for more journaling. It is good to find another prolific writer of prose on agonia, though I see you do not limit yourself to it. You write in the present tense here, which is powerful and I like that. The story is well written and my few comments are meant to strengthen some of the sentence structure rather than correct the English. I would rewrite the second two sentences like this Comana is a village not far from Bucharest. I visited it long time ago, 'on' a hot summer day. There are some interesting places to see. 'Around' is unnecessary, and weakens the sentence. "Monks are working in the yard." I would change to: 'Monks work in the yard." "An old woman approaches me and asks for charity. I give her a coin and ask the old woman what her needs are." I do not like to see the same word (ask) repeated so close together so you might try replacing one of them with 'query, question, or inquire.' "She only thanks me and turns around shuffling her feet." Kill the adverb, it adds nothing to the text. Nicely done, and I love the reference to Greek mythology in this context. Happy writing, jaw | |
| = thanks | lupu mircea [23.Jan.12 00:18] |
| Thank you Jaw. Your comments are very helpful to me. I also need to improve my english (I won't kill the adverb this time) | |
| = Kudos. Quite the feeling You evoke. | Edward Wells II [08.Jan.16 09:11] |
| Some nice line-by-line from Jaw. I wondered about the tense shift. It seems unconventional. I'm not certain whether it serves the piece. It is nicely crafted in the whole. | |