Members comments:

 =  Sobbing invisibly
Luminita Suse
[23.Jan.12 03:49]
A very sad story and potentially true... It reminds me of a wonderful movie, Away from her, with Julie Christie. Have you seen it?

 =  Thanks
James A Williams
[23.Jan.12 04:57]
In fact, I have not seen it, I've barely watch a movie in years. However, I will be renting that one!

When one writes, then rewrites, revises and edits then rewrites again… and again, it is with the hope that they will touch their readers. To see that you had the exact reaction I hoped for is a great encouragement, in particular as it comes from such an accomplished writer.

Thanks for taking the time to read my story and the effort to comment.


 =  James
Luminita Suse
[24.Jan.12 03:15]
The dialog is great but would you consider adding more details/descriptions? A good piece of prose would tell you more about its characters and their whereabouts. For instance, I am curious to know more about Jake, Tom, Sharon, the nursing home, the nurse, even Cheri. How do they look like, what they think, what are their personal problems, what they do for a living, how difficult is for them to see him in such a state, what are their reactions to the sick man's drama, not just what he thinks and notices about them, as if you could detach from his mind and guide the reader into a neutral territory, if you know what I mean.

 =  ¿Novel?
James A Williams
[24.Jan.12 05:34]
Ha ha!

Sounds like a novel. I could have the first draft of an eighty thousand word novel ready for you in about eight weeks. :)

On a serious note; I do like some of your ideas. I have chosen to write this from the POV of the man with dementia because of the emotional power. Like haiku or tanga, one must work within the constraints of the chosen platform.

My demented character could see things, what Cherí looks like for example or have flashes of recollection as he does in parts of the story. It may be good to add some of these ideas and I believe it might be a useful exercise. So, I will make some changes though I have bound myself to this particular POV and feel constrained to work within its boundaries. No one said it would be easy, and it does have its limitations.

At present I am working on the third draft of a novel and will complete that before I come back to this, but I will let you know when I have done so, and hope for more input.

Thanks again,


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