| = trapped tears... | Romulus Campan [30.Jan.13 13:12] |
| The reversed birth of a pearl! Magnificent! Recommending it wholeheartedly! rc | |
| = D | Veronica Vãleanu [30.Jan.13 16:16] |
| the appellative [sweetie] doesn't go well with the rest of the context, at least with what you are trying to convey, which should be made in a more dramatic key this pair, which constitutes the lamentation: /I was starring for you/.../I was dying for you/ has little or weak power of expression. think about it. starring like in a movie? - because this is the 1st thing that crosses the reader's mind. and then - dying for you is a first-hand cliche. [to rest your pulse away my pearls] - away from? [abysmal depths] - defintely a cliche shiny layers mirroring is the good part of the text and the way you cut the verses might need some rethinking. out there with the dolphins following your scent throughout the hits of waves - why do you stop after every image or element? it seems ostentatious. why not: out there with the dolphins following your scent throughout the hits of waves? -because in this way you would integrate and make it more compact. this idea could work for the entire text. | |
| = answer | Dely Cristian Marian [30.Jan.13 20:33] |
| Dear friend, I triple thank you! You see, I don't know what else to say. Hope you'll be as receptive, as time goes by. * Dear Veronica, I agree with the stereotype parts and the not so good cutting of verses, but it's just the way I felt it – I didn't try to avoid anything. You see, what you see “poetry's waves” aren't just belonging to the writer... “away from?” - there is the pit; and I guess there is no need to specify that. About “sweetie”, there is more to it I'd better no tell, My reason. Well, I may have been a little stubborn while answering to you, but I do appreciate you critical point of view, and hope I'll see it more in the future; thank you. * Best wishes, dcm | |