| = Very good | Luminita Suse [03.Apr.13 05:23] |
| I like your minimalist style. Concise and precise. The repetition makes it a chant. Avoid "like" in verse #3 and the crowded enumeration in the second stanza. Consider using couplets throughout the poem, they could be more effective. Pay attention to line breaks, a poem can be visual. Here: this is a different kind of pain, mute and clean a scalpel cut does not reveal itself subtle & calculated it hides well you can only feel it when it wants to be felt it consumes you and you let it in it knows you well it knows you love it this pain is you this pain is your anesthetic | |
| = hey | dan marius [03.Apr.13 10:59] |
| heya, thank you. yes, your version sounds (and reads) very nice. I'd give you a yellow star if I could :) but you can't "award" comments now, can you? anyways, good to see you and thank you again. | |