| = do not... | andreea l. [25.Oct.05 14:17] |
| ...shut the eyes in the cupboard | |
| + good work | ion amariutei [09.Nov.05 20:18] |
| very good poem, just a little shy of being great. i say that mainly because of a slight discordance between style and message. when using short, "fractured" sentences, you have to pay greater attention to each word you're using. the first two verses are very powerful: "bullets running down his throat/ in laughter". but they're followed by an inconsequential, obscure metaphor: "spineless/ the bunker sacrament/ no antidote" the third stanza i think is the weakest link: it tells us explicitly that you're talking about a mental patient: "the wheelchair wars/ were never fought outside the ward" (again, using a metaphor not very well matched to the message, "in pitch dark/ use no prayer"). i would have preferred a more subtle approach, a general suggestion that could make me identify with your hero, rather than a "story line" liked everything after that | |
| = just for the record | andreea l. [10.Nov.05 17:35] |
| thanks,Ion. i really appreciate your comment. | |
| = Muse on your side | Edilberto González Trejos [10.Nov.05 20:26] |
| You are now on a higher stage concerning Your Work! Setting new standards do us all good. Just write on, the Muse is on your side SONGO | |
| = no | andreea l. [17.Nov.05 14:29] |
| no muse ever came into question. the sign : do not disturb. i went mad. that would be all there is no, songo. saludos. "may the force be with you" ('cos it certainly ain't with me) | |