Members comments:

= !!!
Marius Surleac
[17.Jun.08 11:27]
Ok. First of all you're not allowed to post comments to your own text before someone else will comment upon, then I will put a comment on your text because is in the Workshop, not because you ask to.

Now, the comment: there is too much sound - maybe if you'll let only the first "sound" and if you'll try to improve the text with a more poetic polish then will look better. Secondly, you should use "when a child is playing" (when the child plays there is no silence, unless if you far away from his noises) not "when he is playing" also for the next one "when an adult is admiring" - you can not have two nouns there!

Hope, that if you'll try to give poem's more expressionism, then I am sure that the poem will get off the "Workshop".

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= !!!	Marius Surleac [17.Jun.08 11:27]
Ok. First of all you're not allowed to post comments to your own text before someone else will comment upon, then I will put a comment on your text because is in the Workshop, not because you ask to. Now, the comment: there is too much sound - maybe if you'll let only the first "sound" and if you'll try to improve the text with a more poetic polish then will look better. Secondly, you should use "when a child is playing" (when the child plays there is no silence, unless if you far away from his noises) not "when he is playing" also for the next one "when an adult is admiring" - you can not have two nouns there! Hope, that if you'll try to give poem's more expressionism, then I am sure that the poem will get off the "Workshop".