|+ The gleam of its extinguished fire\ Enkindles yet our soul|
|same as in music, rhythm and rhyme will tame even the most abstract concepts.|
excellent last four verses, introspection done with a bittersweet detachment, yet thoroughly modern and precise
| = please, revise|
| = ion a., welcome!|
|Ion, your coming back is always welcomed.|
as far as i'm concerned, I was afraid this poem was too round (simplicity&rhyme&too much self-control). in fact my intention was to express despair, but I realise I've never succeeded in rendering this feeling (it's because of my personnality, i am calm and balanced).
you seem to have liked this detached dissolution of an intense loss of self-control (this resembles a little the dance of the northern lights -upon one's mind).
What i hold against my own poem is that there is no room for the reader's perception, the sensations are all served on a large plate. this will make him feel there is no need for his perception (which in poetry is a secret ingredient for gaining accepted literarity as a fee from the readers who appreciate a text in search for nestling under their skin).
thank you so much for your appreciation. you see, i tend pore over for cracks in my own texts.
| = Luminita|
|Luminita, to auscult=auscultate (|
| = smth to be revised|
|I don't know what is happening, I wrote a comm for Ion and it doesn't appear. As you can see, the comm for Luminita is here but only half of it.|
| = Use "auscultate" instead|
|Then, use the verb "to auscultate" instead of "to auscult" which does not seem to be recognized by a couple of spellers.|
| = i turn around and say :)|
|i'm not sure the "recipe" works quite as advertised :)|
if you're really looking to convey despair, probably should avoid words like "spectroscopy" :))
"despair" being such a basic, raw feeling, avails itself to more direct, visual discourse.
anyway, i think there is yet a deeper aesthetic problem: poetry, like music, succeeds aesthetically by setting up, manipulating, and eventually fulfilling the reader's expectations. the same way you wouldn't expect a series of discordant cluster sounds in a bach production (even if you never listened to bach before), you wouldn't expect a poem containing expressions like "magnetic slumber/combustion chamber/spectroscopy" to come to a climax like king lear or orestia. it’s true, the reader does and should participate to the act of creation. time is also a factor, the borges i read today is not quite the same as the borges i was reading 20 years ago. that being said, the author always provides the range of emotions available, through the setup process, in a way, "served on a large plate". however, no matter what you do, there is always room for the reader's perception, because you can only provide a range, not the exact coordinates of his emotional location
| = the sacred: the sign and the empty space|
|Ion, you’ve been so helpful when presenting me a vision-from-the-outside-of-the-text + aesthetic. I am glad I can discuss those issues with you.|
You see, when I fixed the coordinates of this text I realised it was impossible for me to render the idea of full despair. As an author, I have to situate myself between deciphering the reality (what is proven, but cannot be seen) and telling the reality (what cannot be seen, but can be demonstrated or made to be felt). I can always fake even to myself that I wouldn’t know or situate myself in the text’s shadow (always subversive, as a puppeteer to transmit the message not from my voice, but from the chiaroscuro).
DESPAIR becomes 2nd despair (a narrated, induced one) + because of being perceived from a past point of view. A despair that doesn’t make you desperate but mimes it. The problem is that if I render smth that goes without saying it wouldn’t be fully enjoyed by the reader (I see myself as reader at the same time) because he could anticipate.
The result is that I have to situate myself outside this despair to be able to transpose it, but not in the same starting point everyone would start the race from. I have to restore what can be restaured by throwing myself within/outside the text, rather than remaining projected in it. The text has to desire me back. The despair has to desire me back. To prove that it is alive.
god, those mutations...