| = nice poem|
|Interesting poem. Almost perfect. I have some suggestions, if you do not mind. Article “a” is present one in verse #2once and twice on the next line. Article "the" is tiring if overused. Use plural instead. Remove references to human subjects as much as possible. Let them be inferred from the context.|
every time we hold onto memories
locked up under shells of useless things
a shadow of doubt breaks the smile
barely flickering in mouth’s corners
as if it bites from sour grapes
and then, the grey folds of death
flutter somewhere, in an uncertain
but sufficiently perceptible place
a cold and kind breeze
shortly caressing the hair
on a sunset bathed beach
| = thanks!|
|Thank you, Luminita!|
I shall look upon it and decide what to do!
| = I like the first version and Luminita´s suggestions, too... short and precise wa|
|I like the idea and the way you describe life and death, Florin, Luminita is right, but I would keep the "our hair"|
in that ending, it flows nicer, I think.
Still, why not refer to us all, or maybe to yourself alone, as not everyone would share your somber view of life...
Thanks for sharing! Sydney