| = remake please... | Romulus Campan Maramuresanu [11.May.07 17:48] |
| "he asked me do ya want some cocktail or just a bit of heroin" Could you please work a bit on the above? The whole poem has a special, faded texture, which to me sort of "rejects" the "ordinary" sound echoed by these two verses. Please give it a try, I'll check back and gladly transfer it into "the open". Success. | |
| = any improvement now? | Adela Setti [11.May.07 17:56] |
| thank you. Adela | |
| = better... | Romulus Campan Maramuresanu [11.May.07 17:59] |
| Thank you Adela. Better, I'll put it out, with a small suggestion, course up to you: the word "heroin", could you give it a metaphoric turn? Seems so blunt... Of course, it's up to you. Success. | |
| = I thought so :) | Adela Setti [11.May.07 18:08] |
| that it might be about that word... well, I've selected one of the many slang-alternatives. thank you again. | |
| = great... | Romulus Campan Maramuresanu [11.May.07 18:17] |
| Right on. Excellent. | |
| = Allow me... | John Willy Kopperud [12.May.07 11:56] |
| Adela, to point out that there is no such thing as "still IN DEAL with" in English. I have two suggestions; either "This man I still deal with" or "This man is still my dealer." Greetings from Willy | |
| = Thanks Willy... | Romulus Campan Maramuresanu [12.May.07 14:30] |
| I pondered for a while about what to do with the mentioned sentence, but I felt that even forced, it still stays within the broader "boundaries" of creative freedom. Anyway, I would further suggest: I'm still dealing with I'm still in a deal with Good input, it's worth reading you guys... | |
| = Please... | John Willy Kopperud [12.May.07 15:11] |
| Use the solution with the best rhytm! Willy | |
| = Romulus, John | Adela Setti [14.May.07 10:09] |
| thank you very much, but [there is a but] I used "deal" instead of "love", which explains the apparently incorrect expression. Adela | |
| = Very last suggestion | John Willy Kopperud [14.May.07 12:21] |
| First: I BEGAN to swirl to the music And..There was a man in the middle of nowhere AND I STILL SEEK HIM THERE | |
| = let it be your will | Adela Setti [14.May.07 12:27] |
| thank you. Adela | |