| = JZ | Veronica Valeanu [07.Jun.11 19:52] |
| [will I stumble Amid my indecision?]- you should try to build a more logical sequence [I seize and tremor at the cost Associated with a choice Of little consequence ...opportunities waiting] - an agglomeration of terms that is detrimental to the effect you hoped to convey; it would be better if you succeeded to get rid of [cost,choice, consequence, opportunities]to find smth more dramatic Í'm sure you'll give it a more resourceful shape. | |
| = Thanks | James M Zealy, Jr [07.Jun.11 21:05] |
| Thanks for the suggestions Veronica, I believe this reads more coherently. | |
| = alternative | Veronica Valeanu [07.Jun.11 21:11] |
| I would suggest this alternative: Sea Oat Medallions Cast circular directions out, where there is no choice to be taken Settled just below a bleu celeste horizon Stretching arching towards its sea salt Pool of emerald wavelets Yet the path is not clear If I traverse right Will I see a brilliant painted landscape? Will I stumble if I traverse left? That I must select I stand here petrified, where my tremor takes me I take the steps to find the destination is the same | |