| = Some exquisite images and rhymes here... | John Willy Kopperud [12.Jun.08 14:49] |
| ...in a classical style. The only reason(s) why I didn't reward the contribution with a yellow star is firstly that I'm fairly sure you need to write "what's only dust" in the second line. In the fourth line: "Represent the voices," this refers to more than one (book)- drop the S. In line eleven you unfortunately loose your ten-syllable count (it's nine) My humble suggestion: At some point there, our very tears may bash - thus you arrive at ten (consequent) syllables. Lastly I think the last line is a bit weak. Again I propose a suggestion: In stepless stairs from deep to way above. With respect Willy | |
| = Willy | Ionut Popa [12.Jun.08 20:05] |
| 1. No one should sustain that the poem of my mind is only dust... 2. The finest book (one book) stays on a shelf and represents the voices... 3. You're right about line eleven, and i shall put "At some point, there, your very tears may bash" (our has 2 syllables) 4. I like your version for the last line... I shall use it if there's not a problem with you... With respect, Ionut | |
| + Thank you, Ionut... | John Willy Kopperud [13.Jun.08 12:30] |
| ...for taking my suggestions into consideration. Personally I try to use my position as a team member to move this site towards a more functional on-line poetry workshop. I would appreciate it if more contributors, also outside the team of editors, commented directly on the technical solutions that surface here. I am most pleased with the result of your slight revision here and therefore I reward it! Cheers from Willy | |
| = absolutely! | Marius Surleac [13.Jun.08 13:16] |
| Congratulations Ionut. About the idea of on-line workshop Willy I sustain you and I also invite everybody to come further with improvement ideas and critics about the texts. Cheer to both of you, Marius | |