| = !!! | Marius Surleac [19.Jul.08 16:36] |
| First of all I want to welcome you as a new member on agonia.net. Secondly, I think that the poem needs a little bit of polish. The first two lines are excellent and went well for reading. The last three lines need some improvement, because "God I escape the fingers" - where did you escape the fingers, what this should mean and also I see no connection of this third line with the last two. Also, the last line needs a little bit of improvement, there should be "lights". Try connecting all five lines in one idea. Then I am sure that the poem will go out from the Workshop. And a title will help as well. Best wishes, Marius | |
| = answer | Dozescu Adelina Georgeta [19.Jul.08 21:04] |
| Thank you for advice, I do not speak good english... | |
| = now looks better! | Marius Surleac [19.Jul.08 21:13] |
| No looks better. The first two stanza are awesome, and that light comes from God, a sort of spirituality, of purification!? Well done! Sincerely, Marius | |
| = answer | Dozescu Adelina Georgeta [20.Jul.08 15:16] |
| tanks you for your feedback. yes, it's true, ligt purifies the soul. Well done! Adelina | |
| = !!! | Marius Surleac [20.Jul.08 15:21] |
| Daniel, please use the English language when commenting. Thank you! | |
| = beautiful accident in a bad poem | dan marius [22.Jul.08 17:33] |
| it's the most beautiful accident that I've seen in a bad poem : " I feel so empty - that my hand draws light..." I consider it to be beginner's luck :) anyway congratulations. Great idea. | |
| = answer | Dozescu Adelina Georgeta [23.Jul.08 10:33] |
| thank you for your comments and for congratulutions, yes it's true,I am beginner's in english language, I do not speak good english... but is a thought,not a poem itself...a simple thought (personals)., thank you very much anyway, Well done, Adelina | |
| = ... | Laurenţiu Ion [13.Jun.09 21:47] |
| hmmm, this is very beautiful I like how you passed from one image to another - smoothly & the distances between two points (here between two sins) aren't ok enough for my tastes, but for a beginner... the end is gorgeous and very well thought! cheers! | |
| = answer | Dozescu Adelina [25.Jul.09 02:03] |
| Laurentiu, thanks very much for your visite cheers adelina | |