| = yes yes | dan marius [08.Oct.08 15:04] |
| "You can fix a broken pot but not a cloud, not a rain drop." liked it. sincere & slightly melancholic but well drawn & shaped into an interesting image/poem. I'd change natural (in the end) with nature. But that's your choice. "but a wave can't never be the same" nice. | |
| = True | Vicleanu Mihaita [08.Oct.08 17:00] |
| Thanks Dan, appreciate your comment. Indeed slightly melancholic. I thought about putting nature, but in the end I thought,it will make it more interesting with-natural-, as I wanted to underline the fact what comes natural, normal, what is not created by man...is perfect...I didn't want to stick only to nature...a larger picture...universe, etc. My kind regards, Dan | |
| = perfectly natural | Simona Sumanaru [12.Oct.08 15:18] |
| to like this poem. Artful mixture of still life and shifting realities. I've got some suggestions: I'd change the title to 'Painting perfection'. Then no capital letters in this poem. It needs to flow. I'd say, 'a withered candle/can be revived/ can be returned/to its original shape' (to show human intervention, but still be metaphoric). Then I'd say 'shadowy portrait' (for mystery). I'd change this a bit 'The wind as the painter/ The sand as the colour/ The air as the canvas'. I'd take out "but", and I agree with Dan, I'd put "nature" or, if you like, I'd end this in 'being natural always is' (personification of nature). This poem is worth memorizing and reciting it to people. I hope someone else will notice and give you a star. One of the best poems I've read in a while. | |
| = perfectly natural | Simona Sumanaru [12.Oct.08 11:06] |
| to like this poem. Artful mixture of still life and shifting realities. I've got some suggestions: I'd change the title to 'Painting perfection'. Then no capital letters in this poem. It needs to flow. I'd say, 'a withered candle/can be revived/ can be returned/to its original shape' (to show human intervention, but still be metaphoric). Then I'd say 'shadowy portrait' (for mystery). I'd change this a bit 'The wind as the painter/ The sand as the colour/ The air as the canvas'. I'd take out "but", and I agree with Dan, I'd put "nature" or, if you like, I'd end this in 'being natural always is' (personification of nature). This poem is worth memorizing and reciting it to people. I hope someone else will notice and give you a star (cause I don't know if I can). One of the best poems I've read in a while. | |
| = speechless... | Vicleanu Mihaita [11.Oct.08 09:31] |
| Thank you Simona. I'll consider your suggestions.You're more than helpful. I'm really glad you liked it and I'm flattered about your last two sentences. I really thank you, it means a lot to me. My best regards, Mihai | |
| = On Suggestions | Simona Sumanaru [11.Oct.08 16:18] |
| Mihai, very nice of you to have considered my suggestions, and always glad I could help. However, please remember to always keep a copy of your original poem for yourself. Poetry is highly subjective. The reader will try to mold it so as to fit him and his lyrical needs. That's what I did. Change your poem around only if the suggestions fit YOUR needs as well. Stay true to yourself no matter what. I know you probably knew all this, but felt like saying it anyway. Again thank you for this poem. | |
| = Thank you | Vicleanu Mihaita [11.Oct.08 18:16] |
| I kept a copy of the original poem, and I only applied your suggestions because I thought it suited. and once more I thank you. My kind regards, Mihai | |
| = minor issue, please... | Romulus Campan Maramuresanu [12.Oct.08 15:13] |
| "can't never" should change to "can never"... | |
| = . | Vicleanu Mihaita [12.Oct.08 15:57] |
| true...it split...sorry. thanks for pointing out. | |
| = . | Vicleanu Mihaita [12.Oct.08 15:58] |
| *slipped | |