| = mould | Veronica Valeanu [17.Feb.09 09:39] |
| this poem has the necessary essence, yet you should try to better mould it. the fist part with that demigod should be better emphasized by delimiting him from other voices. it's the main tapestry upon which you should weave the messages' conglomerates in a more condensed way. E.g, you should avoid these structures:"your mind controls mine,/ I belong to you /just as much you belong to me" - create a suspense, say it in more subtle words (these are worn out syntagms). change "I reborn the seventh time" with [i am born again" .the word[stupid] doesn't seem fit, it's too informal for the message you want to deliver. the ending idea is so good. regards, Veronica | |
| = right | Diana Todea [17.Feb.09 22:43] |
| Yes everything you say is very correct. Probably I wanted to have a very familiar language in an American way that could get to the big public. Even though is a clever idea. I like to experiment every time. But you're right and I'll try to give it another try. Thank you. Cheers, Diana. | |