| = a small lack of concordance , other than that it's ok. | Maria Schuler [01.Jan.05 06:38] |
| The first two stanzas give the impression of following the same idea: predestination, or as the title calls it "fate". The first five lines can be taken as a definition of fate-plane and simple-, the next five speculate the same concept, yet the 3rd confuses me. Why speak of regret when you allready know of your predestined life? What is there to regret when you know that it is out of your control? The 3rd stanza is quite good. I like the pun with "tired" and "rest", it shows a spark of brilliance and for this a congratulate you, yet I do not feel that this stanza fits well within the paramenters of your poem's subject, "fate". The first line from the last stanza is quite spectacular in its menaing! It indirectly states that fate, or limitation in choice ("barriers") is actually caused by man himself ("you forgot you built"). Yet this idea too comes in contradiction with the next line in which the same man is asked to remember the astrological influence of "the sun and stars" on his life. Again, I enjoyed the repetion of the word "take" turning into quite a lovely pun. I would like to point out a few mistakes: you have misspelled "dangerous" (cut the "e" from the end) and "undo" (you have placed an unnecessary "o"). Also, I think you must have meant "incident" in the second line of the first stanza. Hope my comment was useful and pertinent, Maria | |
| = Thank you | Paloma von Fielitz [27.Jan.05 04:14] |
| Thank you for your comments on my text, I was very happy to see you enjoyed it. I appreciate the spelling corrections which I overlooked. My only goal with my poetry is to create words that can mean nothing to one, and the world to another. Thank you again. Paloma | |