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Collectedness...
prose [ ]
Your soul is full of believes...

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by [allan ]

2003-12-17  |     | 



Your soul is full of believes...
Choose the faith...


Collectedness...


Thoughts and feelings are overcaming me.Feelings nevermet before,thoughts never fought against,images never remembered are encircling me now,when I need peace more than ever.I never thought about death,God,hell or heaven as nothing else but mythical, biblical things and I’ve never asked questions witch answers were beyond my world...
However,my views had to change during my life,because otherwise I couldn’t have lived forward.Despite of that,I am at the end of my road...I live my last days with a hope in my soul and a fear in my heart...Both of them means ‘death’,whose presence I feel near...
I don’t remember many things from my childhood, but I can’t forget the words of my grandfather told minutes before he died...He looked at me with his deep dark eyes, he red the fright witch seized me and he managed to tell me with his last breaf words witch remained forever in my mind...”You will fight against life everyday, and you will be changed by her everyday...Don’t let her change your faith!”
I was just a child...I didn’t understand his words then, but later after years and years, them, along with the image of my grandfather’s sad eyes, gave me the power to pass over many obstacles in life...
Time elapsed, and the flame of paine remained in my soul, even if it got lower.Growing, I discovered many attractions as well as deceptions.Beeing trapped in the whirl of life, I forgot to listen the voice of faith...I become a complete stranger to me, as I had changed myself more than I could ever figured...I had no eyes for those who loved me, for those who were around me, for enything witch was part of my life.I was blind with me...
I never thought that I could hate my own life, but that was the way that I was feeling then...The war that came like a thunder above our country seemed to me like a bless.Like an oportunity to start a new life, a change.It didn’t mattered to me what kind of change.I got enlisted and a big joy was mastering me.
Having to fight in two battlefields, the real one, full of blood, death and horror witch was backed-up by the one in my soul, mastered by contradictions, confusions and paine, I thought I got stronger, that the war
purifyed me.But I didn’t become nothing else but a human machine, with stifled feelings and screams, with no other purpose that survival.
This dream was going to ravel as I got shot in an encounter.I was mooved in a hospital far away from the front.But not for long time I am going to stay here.I was told that my days are numbered by an old medic, with sad eyes and with a serene smile on his lips.He remembered me of my grandfather and my lost youth.
I also see him in front of my mind’s eyes, and I know I have changed.But now is too late.I also remember his words and is the first time when I understand them.Unfortunatly, I couldn’t follow them as I wanted to...Loosing the fight with life,I was hardened by many believes and I got lost through it’s traps.
Now, waiting the death, the only thing I can do is to judge me from the position of liberated man, liberated from pain...

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